Monday, March 16, 2009


Well, Dear Friends, I've had the most loveliest of long weekends, by myself, as Dearest is still away on safari in, of all places, Florida. I spoke to him last night, and wonder of wonders! They were staying fairly close to Cape Canaveral, and you know what that means? Yes siree Bob, he and his buds watched the shuttle lift off last night. And bless his dearest darling self, he video-taped it for me! I am so jealous! He has the best luck. Had it been me, there most likely would have been a hurricane or some other dire calamity, such is my luck. I can hardly wait for him to get home so I can see the video for myself!

But, I was going to chirp about wine and laundry. I know, I know, it's an odd combination, but there are stranger things out there, but we won't think of those right now.

Having had the abode to myself since Thursday night, I was getting a little bored, and quite frankly, tired of being so damn slack-assed about getting anything accomplished in the way of housework, reading, music. I'd had to work Friday, and was just slap wore out. Saturday, I thought, after my hair appointment and grocery-getting!!! Then I will get some shit done, I will!!! What a Pollyanna!

Wouldn't you know, like a nitwit, I'd scheduled a hair appointment for-gasp! 7 of the a.m. on Saturday? The time under the drier while my color processed and the shampoo/scalp massage nudged me towards la-la land, and I was literally nodding off as Christie blow-dried my hair and cut it. But, darling and fantastic stylist that she is, I am happy to report that I still am in possession of my hair, and it is rather fetching, I must say.

Then, I had the brilliant idea of checking the local Goodwill store for any Depression Glass, so off I went. Oh my God, I hit the lucky jackpot! (See, my luck's not totally shit). $30 bux later, I decide to try the east side Goodwill. OK, still rollin' in luck, I spent $10 bux.

It was about this point I had the thought to get me a bottle of Maximum Port from my favorite local winery, Oliver. Oh well, I thought, they carry it at the Big Red in Bedford, and that's where I'm going to get my groceries, no problemo Joe.

I'm all in a state, thinking about how, after the crappy housework is finished, I can reward myself with a big ol' glass of Port whilest I decide how to arrange my days haul of treasures. I get the groceries, I load them in the truck, I'm smilin' and the damn sun is shinin' just for me.

HA--AND DOUBLE HA!!! The clouds roll in, the sky opens up, and the sun dims its' light; the liquor store no longer stocks Maximum Port; "There just isn't much demand for it here, but they do carry it at the main store uptown and on the south-side in Bloomington." I'm told by the genial store manager, as he apologizes, seeing my angst over the situation. I thank him politely, cursing at myself under my breath, as I just came from Bloomington!!! "You idiot!" I tell myself. "You should have just gotten it when you first thought of it--stupid, stupid, stupid!!!"

I wearily decide to head home, unload the groceries and put them away, resigned to drudgery with no reward. Even the bling of my newest sparkly treasures don't lift my spirits.

Oh but AHA! There is a glimmer of light! I had forgotten to get fabric softener! Completely out, gone, finished. Now how, I ask you, can one do laundry with no fabric softener? It's not to be borne, I tell you! So, I sling the refrigerated items into the fridge, and off I go, in search of fabric softener--and Maximum Port. Tee Hee.

Mission accomplished in 45 minutes, round trip, including parking, entering and seeking out items at both stores, paying for them, and returning home. Into the freezer with you, my lovely Port, whilst Mama puts the once-again-sparkly treasures in the dishwasher.

Somewhere between finishing that little task and starting another one, the Port came out from its chilly repose, and oh my god, got poured into a glass. Now how the hell did that happen, I ask you? Oh well, who am I to question the workings of the wine...? Ummmmm....tasty, rich, opulent, sexy...this stuff is gooooooooood, let me tell you!

Oh! What's that on tv? Oh, Led Zeppelin's The Song Remains The Same. When shidoogee, I must watch it! And update my Facebook status to reflect the decadent evening's fare. Well, suprise of suprises, I managed to get side-tracked then!

Finally, about 9:30-10p.m., I decided, "Hey, I was gonna wash that there stuff on the bed." Prodded by giddiness, I strip the bed of all it's linens, thinking myself right smart for washing things in the correct order that I would have to put them on the bed. Into the washer with the mattress pad, then into the dryer with it! Into the washer with the sheets and pillowcases. Mattress pad on the bed, sheets in the dryer, quilt into the washer!!! Wheeeeehoooooooo-laundry sure is fun, you bet!

But boys and girls, that fun sure can come crashing down quick and hard, let me tell you! Whilst I was patting myself on the back for being so dog-gone smart about the proper washing order, surfing the Web and arranging my newly clean and even more sparkly treasures, I had somehow drank the entire bottle of Port! Yep, that's right the whole damn bottle. Not even a drop left in it. Now this particular port is about 40 proof, and I drank it all in about 3 hours. About the time that dawned on me, it also occurred that the damn laundry was not done!!! And I sooooooo needed to lie down and just sleep.

I spent nearly 30 minutes wrangling the sheets and pillowcases back into place while I waited for the quilt to dry. Pacing, nay stumbling, about I attempted to gather my wits and maintain my composure, praying, "Oh bloody hell...dry, dammit, dry!!! I'm out of wine and now I'm starting to whine...ugg!!!"

At long last, the quilt dried, and I spent another 10 minutes trying to put it on the bed straight instead of sideways. Finally managed to do so, with much cursing and giggling in alternate turns. Oh sleep, sweet Morpheus, at last, at long last...

Demon Rum, my foot! 'Tis Port, that Lady in Red that plies you with such sweetness that you forget to fear the sting she can dole out at your indiscretion of over-imbibing. Perhaps my little lucky-streak would hold? I rose late on Sunday, around noonish, groggy and foul-tempered, but blessedly, no hang-over---hallelujah!!!

Let this be a lessons, kids, don't drink Port and do laundry--ever!! You will save yourself untold heartache and despair if you follow that little household rule. The two do not and will not ever go together. If you must drink and wash, try beer, it's much more suited to the task at hand.

What did the Bard say, "All's well that ends well"? Smiles...

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