Well, 2009 was a weird year. It was also a good year in many respects for me. I learned much about myself, and learned also to be more open and social. I have a tendency to isolate and be more like a satellite orbiting around people instead of engaging. I still have my days, but they are infrequent. I give credit to many things, among them, The Hell Hole, work, and certainly, determination to change. It's good to feel comfortable in one's own skin. It's good to have self-confidence and a more optimistic view and attitude. And that is what I have wanted for a long time, but lacked the courage to change. Yes, it's been hard, yes, I've been scared, but by all the stars in the sky, it has been worth every painful struggle, every bit of swallowing down the fear, to reach today. And I will continue to work every day, every single damn day at this.
For 2010, I've decided that it's time to weed out toxic people. I do not have time nor patience for the silliness and drama in my life. I have enough of my own shit to deal with; I certainly do not need anyone else's!
I've already weeded out one person who has been a thorn in my side for the last 5 years. I've known them for about 12 years or so, but over the last 5 years, they have become increasingly rude and insensitive. This week, it escalated to out and out intolerable. All I know is that I'm glad he lives almost 1000 miles away. I have no explanation for why he feels the need to insult and hurt me this way. But, that's over and done with and I'm not losing any sleep over it, for sure!
Another goal for this year is to continue the progress I've made over the last two years in overcoming insecurities, self-doubts and that negative voice in my head that tells me that I can't do this or that, why try, you're not good enough, blah, blah, blah. These days, I just tell that voice to shut up and mind it's own business.
And I'm writing again, and plan on keeping that going. I didn't write for a long time, not creatively. I felt shut down, uninspired. It's been a joy to have that gift back; I didn't know how much I missed it. It's been fun to dig out some of my old stuff from high school, seeing if any of it was worth salvaging and/or reworking.
So, 2010...I look forward to you.